In Everything, Give Thanks

I live three miles away from the church. It usually takes me about five minutes (ten minutes tops!) to drive home. But last Monday evening brought the first winter's snow. The morning had started off cold, but sunny, with no clouds in sight. But by the afternoon, a blanket of snow had settled over every surface.

Driving home that evening was miserable. It seems like the first snow always surprises folk - even folk used to cold, harsh winters - and causes them to drive ten times slower than normal. This first snow was no exception.

It took me forty minutes to drive the three miles from the church to my house.

And this made me very angry.

It had been a long day following a long weekend that included ministering to a parishioner and her family as she passed out of this world and into the next. Once she died, funeral preparations needed to be quickly made in order to facilitate the family's out-of-state travel. All this activity on Friday put me out-of-sync in regard to my ordinary routine forcing me to spend my Saturday in frantic last-minute preparations for Sunday services. Sunday brought another full day. Sunday services were immediately followed by an Inquirer's Luncheon. The remainder of Sunday afternoon was spent rehearsing music for Monday's funeral service. Add to this, a rising second round of flu-like symptoms (that had never really gone away in the first place), and... well, you get the picture.

By the time Monday rolled around, I was exhausted. But I had no time for rest; the memorial service on Monday demanded by careful attention. As Monday came to an end, I found myself bone-tired and completely off-schedule in regard to my normal duties.

And now, on my drive home, I was inconvenienced by people's overreactions to the first snow of winter. And I was angry.

Inching along for forty minutes in bumper-to-bumper traffic gives you plenty of time to think. My heated emotions eventually gave way to self-reflection. Why reflection? Because I remembered something that is unique to my profession: in just a few days I had to preach a message on thanksgiving! I thought to myself, "This coming Sunday I am preaching on the passage, 'in everything give thanks' - and look how ungrateful I am! I'm going to be trying to convince people that no matter what their present circumstances are, there is always something for which to give thanks."

Frustrated with my angry reaction, I attempted to redeem myself. I considered, "What is there to give thanks for in my present situation?" My response started as a trickle but eventually grew into a strong stream. I thought, "I have reliable transportation. I have plenty of gas. I have money to buy more, should I need it. Warm air is streaming from my working heater. I have a nice warm coat to cover the clothes on my back. I have four working limbs that allow me to comfortably navigate my vehicle. I have a working stereo that allows music or talk to fill my cab. I have ears to hear and eyes to see. I have just come from a job that I love. I have a place to go home to - a home, and not just a house. I have a family that loves me. Dinner will be on the table. "Big Bang Theory" will be on later tonight. I can build a fire and relax in a safe home in a safe neighborhood."

My grateful reflections did nothing to change my circumstances. I was still stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic with people overreacting to the first snow of the winter. But if I widened my scope, I could find reasons to give thanks, even in this frustrating circumstance.

A Thankful Community

In Paul's concluding instructions to a young church, he urges them to embody God's will by allowing joy, prayer, and thanksgiving to characterize their community. He writes, "Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you" (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18).

Today we focus on the phrase, "give thanks in all circumstances." Another way to translate this is, "in everything, give thanks" or "always give thanks in everything."

Thanksgiving should characterize the life of God's people. Why? Because this is God's will. Thanksgiving pleases God. It is a quality that we should continually nurture and express - even in challenging circumstances.

Why is thanksgiving so important? And what does it mean to give thanks in everything?

Aspects of Gratitude

Gratitude involves at least three aspects, or movements. Robert Emmons writes, "When I am grateful, I acknowledge that I have received a gift, I recognize the value of that gift, and I appreciate the intentions of the donor."[1]

First, gratitude acknowledges the reception of a gift. Gratitude acknowledges that we benefit from the goodness of others. We are not self-sufficient. We are what we are because of the contributions of others to our lives.

Second, gratitude recognizes the value of the gift. We cannot appreciate what we take for granted. In order to be grateful, we must remember at what cost gifts are given to us.

Finally, gratitude appreciates the intentions of the giver. We are grateful to others when we know that their generosity comes with no strings attached. Manipulative giving does not promote thanksgiving, but rather, brings a sense of indebtedness and obligation. The purpose of manipulative giving is to exert a certain power or control over the receiver. In contrast, true generosity "comes from a heart not expecting rewards. A gift is not a gift when strings are attached."[2] We are grateful because we recognize "that the other person wanted to do something good for me because it is good for me. He made my concern his concern."[3] Such giving forges a "bond of attachment" between the giver and the beneficiary - a bond that is "cemented and strengthened by the emotion of gratitude."[4]

Notice how every moment of gratitude centers on recognizing the sheer "giftedness" of life. Gratitude recognizes that life consists of more than what we deserve. We don't earn all that we enjoy. Much that we experience is sheer and utter gift.

To put it in religious terms: gratitude is a response to grace - the reception of undeserved and unearned favor. "An additional, essential aspect of gratitude is the notion of undeserved merit. When I am grateful, I recognize that I have no claim on the gift or benefit I received; it was freely bestowed out of compassion, generosity, or love."[5]

If we do not recognize our need for grace, we cannot experience gratitude. For this reason, the proud and self-sufficient cannot truly express gratitude. "Gratitude implies humility -- a recognition that we could not be who we are or where we are in life without the contributions of others."[6] Gratitude calls for a level of humility that is able to accept the fact that we experience much goodness through no effort or merit of our own.

It is because of this connection between gratitude and grace - gratitude and gift - that gratitude and entitlement cannot exist together. Put simply, "if one is entitled to everything, then one is thankful for nothing."[7]

Barriers to Gratitude

A sense of entitlement is one barrier to gratitude. What other attitudes and actions are obstacles to gratitude?

The most innocent obstacle to gratitude is the most common: we simply forget to be grateful. We forget how much of our experience is shrouded and sustained by the gift of others and the gifts they bring into our lives.

This is intensified when we consider our relationship to God. "Every generous act of giving, with every perfect gift, is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change" (James 1:17). Paul declares that "In God, we live and move and have our being." Thomas Merton expands upon this: "To be grateful is to recognize the Love of God in everything He has given us - and He has given us everything. Every breath we draw is a gift of His love, every moment of existence is a grace, for it brings with it immense graces from Him."[8]

It is tragic that, in spite of this abundance of gifts, we so quickly and easily forget our blessings. And this oversight is not insignificant. Ignatius of Loyola writes,

In the light of the Divine Goodness, it seems to me that ingratitude is the most abominable of sins and that it should be detested in the sight of our Creator and Lord by all of His creatures who are capable of enjoying His divine and everlasting glory. It is a forgetting of the graces, benefits, and blessings received, and as such it is the cause, beginning, and origin of all sins and misfortunes.[9]

The Apostle Paul concurs when he declares that the source of humanity's sin is that we "fail to honor God or give thanks" (Romans 1:21).

Because forgetting is so disastrous, we must constantly seek to nurture an attitude of gratitude. It is in worship - as we regularly count our blessings and express our gratitude to God and to another - that we "remember" the abundance we experience through the gift of others.

G. K. Chesterton once remarked, "All goods look better when they look like gifts."[10] If we can simply imagine every good thing we enjoy as being gift-wrapped or topped with a gorgeous red bow, we may be in a better position to realize the truth about our world.

During my frustrated drive in the first winter snow, my problem was not a deep, dark, evil antipathy toward God and others. I had simply forgotten how good I have it - even during challenging times.

We also fail to acknowledge the giftedness of our lives when we take things for granted. Taking things for granted blinds us to the value of the gifts we experience. Unfortunately, it often takes a crisis to make us realize this. As the old saying goes, "we don't know what we've got until it is gone." Health is a gift, but one we rarely appreciate until we are sick. Breathing is a gift, but we rarely recognize this until we find breathing difficult.

Finally, high expectations and constant criticism can undermine the good intentions of givers in our lives. The opposite of thanksgiving is a stream of constant criticism and complaints. (You may recall Israel's "grumblings" in the wilderness.) Many of us are on the receiving end of others' gifts, but we fail to realize it because of unrealistic expectations or constant criticism. We expect things to be perfect, so we fail to see the ordinary and common gifts before us. We are wired to expect more and more in our consumer culture: "Consumerism fuels ingratitude. Advertisers purposely invoke feelings of comparison and ingratitude by leading us to perceive that our lives are incomplete unless we buy what they are selling."[11]  

If we refuse to see the good in others and focus only on the bad, we set ourselves up for frustration. Nothing and no one can ever be good enough. Affirming the good in others is central to healthy relationships. "Psychologist John Gottman, an expert in marital relations, concludes that unless a couple is able to maintain a high ratio of positive to negative affect (5:1 or greater), it is likely that their marriage will end."[12] Emmons comments,

The recipe is not complicated. I can appreciate and acknowledge kindness from my wife. I can consciously decide to focus on the blessings that she provides, rather than default to my tendency to criticize or focus on what is missing. When I notice and express gratitude for the kindnesses shown by her, it strengthens our relationship and makes additional kindness likely to happen. Failure to acknowledge gratitude gives rise to, at best, taking the other person for granted and, at worst, disrespect, resentment, and contempt.[13]

Focus on the bad rather than the good, and see how long your marriage lasts. Constantly criticize your children, telling them they are never good enough, and see how that turns out.

Gratitude in Difficult Times

Thanksgiving should characterize God's people at all times: "In everything, give thanks." What does it mean to give thanks in all things?

One thing it surely does not mean is that we should be thankful for all things. The command is not "be thankful for all things," but "be thankful in all things." We are not expected to thank God for the horrors of life. There are legitimate behaviors, circumstances, and attitudes that should repulse us. Though we can't be thankful for all things, we can be thankful in the midst of all things.

How can this be? Gratitude looks underneath the surface. Gratitude "is not simply a form of "positive thinking" or a technique of "happy-ology," but rather a deep and abiding recognition and acknowledgment that goodness exists under even the worst that life offers."[14] Through gratitude, we recognize that there is a goodness outside ourselves that truly exists even when we fail to experience or recognize it. Of this "goodness" Emmons writes,

First, gratitude is the acknowledgment of goodness in one's life. In gratitude we say yes to life. We affirm that all things taken together, life is good and has elements that make it worth living. The acknowledgment that we have received something gratifies us, either by its presence or by the effort the giver went into choosing it. Second, gratitude is recognizing that the source(s) of this goodness lie at least partially outside the self. The object of gratitude is other-directed; one can be grateful to other people, to God, to animals, but never to oneself. This is one significant way in which gratitude differs from other emotional dispositions. A person can be angry at himself, pleased with herself, proud of himself, or feel guilty about doing wrong, but it would be bizarre to say that a person felt grateful to herself. Even if you bought yourself a lavish dinner, as I am inclined to do when I order room service, it would be peculiar if I were to give thanks to myself. Thanks are directed outward to the giver of gifts.[15]

This is the one reason the emotion of gratitude makes us feel so good. It is the recognition that our lives are enriched by the goodness of others. "One of the reasons gratitude makes us happier is that it forces us to abandon a belief that may accompany severe depression: that the world is devoid of goodness, love, and kindness and contains nothing but randomness and cruelty."[16] "Similarly, gratitude might lessen depression by directing one's attention away from one's self. Research has shown that depressed individuals engage in self-focus that intensifies their gloominess. By practicing gratitude, attention is directed away from the self and more to others and what they are providing for us."[17]

Generally speaking, no matter how bad our circumstances, we can almost always find something for which to be grateful. We must never forget that it was from a prison cell awaiting death that the Apostle Paul wrote some of his most moving letters of gratitude and encouragement.

The fact that thanksgiving can be expressed even during tough times is historically evidenced in the history of our celebration of the holiday of Thanksgiving. During the very first Thanksgiving, the Pilgrims, half of their number dead, were able to express thankfulness to God and to their neighbor. Abraham Lincoln formally established the first Thanksgiving Day in the midst of a national civil war, when the butcher's list of casualties seemed to have no end and the very nation struggled for survival.

Dietrich Bonheoffer writes of how we might be grateful in the midst of the loss of loved ones:

Nothing can console us when we lose a beloved person and no one should try. We have to simply bear and survive it. That sounds hard but is in fact a great consolation: When the hole remains unfilled, we remain connected through it. It is wrong to say that God fills the gap, because he keeps it empty and so helps us to sustain our old communion, even through pain.

The more beautiful and fulfilling our memories, the harder the separation. But gratefulness transforms the agony of memory into a quiet joy. We should avoid burrowing in our memories, just as we do not look at a precious gift continuously. Rather, we should rather save them for special hours, like a hidden treasure of which we are certain. Then a pervading joy and strength will flow from the past.[18]

We can even express gratitude for the difficult and unpleasant experiences of our lives. During one Thanksgiving sermon, the Reverend Peter Gomes encouraged his congregation at Harvard to

"think of your worst moments, your sorrows, your losses, your sadness and then remember that here you are, able to remember them . . . you got through the worst day of your life . . . you got through the trauma, you got through the trial, you endured the temptation, you survived the bad relationship, you're making your way out of the dark . . . remember the bad things ... then look to see where you are." When we remember how difficult life used to be and how far we have come, we set up an explicit contrast in our mind, and this contrast is fertile ground for gratefulness.[19]

We have considered a few difficult circumstances and how we might find something for which to be grateful. But no matter what we face, we can take comfort in the fact that a hidden goodness always accompanies us, because God is with us. 

Can you imagine facing all life's challenges without faith? Without a sense that God is with us in our darkest hours? This is the one place that goodness can always be found. No matter how dark or difficult life gets, it would certainly be darker if we felt there were no ultimate meaning, purpose, or significance to life - that no external goodness accompanied us all along the way.

Being able to say with Paul, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" - whether in want or in plenty - is the ultimate source of gratitude for the believer. We can be grateful in all things because we walk with God who loves us, carries us, and will carry us through our darkest hours. We believe that goodness exists outside of ourselves, inundating us with gift - and that "goodness" is personal, and therefore, loving. Along with David, we "fear no evil" for "God is with us" and we believe the promise, "Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life. And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever" (Psalm 23). This is a goodness we can recognize and celebrate in the darkest of times.

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© Richard J. Vincent, 2008