Be careful what you ask for, because when you finally get it, you may find that what you receive is not what you really wanted.

Many of us are like this with relationships. We desire intimacy with others, but when we finally participate in the real thing, we find out it is not at all like we expected. Our romantic ideals are washed away by the gritty roughness of real relationships. If we were honest with ourselves we would admit that what we really want are the privileges and rewards of intimacy without the price and responsibilities that accompany it.

This is why it becomes easy for many of us to live in the land of illusions. We fantasize of a perfect, ideal, care-free relationship. We imagine a soul-mate that will be completely open to us and completely receptive of us. But our own innate sinfulness prohibits such romantic fancies from ever coming true in this fallen world. All relationships in this life are relationships with real sinners who are really depraved.

Our illusions set us up for a fall because they raise our expectations to an impossible level. We ensure our disappointment by holding to such unreachable expectations. And because they are unreachable we remain frustrated and empty -- it is exhausting and demoralizing to perpetually chase this elusive dream.

That is why it is easier to live in a world of fantasy, where perfect partners exist, and where every relationship is always fulfilling. Lost in a world of illusion, our whole life becomes a quest for what does not exist. Isn't this what is behind the quest for Mr. or Miss Right? But, in the real world, there is no Mr. or Miss Right. All relationships are complex, tangled, and difficult -- a delicate balance of give-and-take.

Because of this, we must commit ourselves to paying the price for true intimacy, whether we ever achieve it or not. This demands that we lose the illusions and embrace the cross as the definitive expression of love and the normative pattern of love. Love is giving ourselves away for the good of others regardless of the benefit or disadvantage it brings to us in return.

The more we lay down our lives for the sake of others, the more likely it is that we will experience betrayal, rejection, and pain. There is no way around this. And yet, the rewards that accompany true intimacy are worth the risk.

One reward will be the enjoyment of knowing and being known by another brother or sister in the faith -- for the enjoyment of love is one of the rewards of love. But what happens if all (or even most) of our efforts end in frustration or failure? Is there any real reward in such a situation?

Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!

Our Lord says, "This is My commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you... You are My friends, if you do what I command you" (John 15:12-14).

Though every friend frustrate us, betray us, hurt us, or ultimately reject us, we can be assured of one thing: The more we strive to give ourselves away for the good of others the more we will come to know true friendship with our Lord!

"You are My friends, IF you do what I command you." What is it that Jesus commands us? "Love one another, just as I have loved you."

It is as if Jesus says to us, "My command is that you love others as I've loved you. And just as my love was spurned and rejected, so your attempts at love may be as well. And yet, there is one thing you can be certain of: As you reach out to others in love, you will come to better know my love, and I will call you friend -- even though no one else does. I will give myself to you as you give yourself to others."

All our attempts to truly love others, even though they meet with rejection or lead to pain, will ultimately lead us to know and be known by the true friend of our souls -- the Lord Jesus Christ. There is no greater reward! We cannot afford to lose out on this privilege and thus we cannot afford to abandon our responsibility to reach out to others with the love of friendship. We are ultimately the losers if we don't!

© Richard J. Vincent, July 21, 2002