It would be obvious to any casual observer that Jeff and Susan, two single adults, enjoyed each other's company very much. When together, their palpable joy might lead one to wonder whether their interests were more than platonic. Because of this, these two were often asked by well-meaning acquaintances, "How long have you been dating?" Their answer was always the same, "Oh no, you misunderstand, we are just friends."

Our colloquial expressions often reveal our true convictions. Jeff and Susan were "just friends." Even though their friendship was deep and provided the context for genuine intimacy to develop and true love to flourish, they always felt the need to undercut the value of their relationship and the depth of their love by responding with this colloquial expression: "we are just friends." In the process, they were saying something significant about their view of friendship -- they were admitting that the joy they shared as friends as was not as valuable or as committed as familial or erotic love.

The Belitting of Friendship

This is not unusual in our contemporary culture. Friendship is often belittled and undervalued in our eroticized and frenetic culture. Although the ancients considered friendship the highest expression of love, we moderns hardly recognize friendship as a form of love at all.

The Greek language can aid us in this misunderstanding. The Greek language has at least four words to describe different expressions of love. These distinctions are important for the purpose of clarification. Love for baseball, love for spouse, love of parents, and love of friends are all significant forms of love, but also, significantly different. In English, our word "love" has suffered from its multi-purposed use. The Greeks, however, were not quite as fuzzy in their thoughts.

The Greek language differentiated between familial love ("storge"), romantic or sexual love ("eros"), welcoming love ("agape"), and friendship-love ("philia"). Some writers of the New Testament expanded the meaning of "agape-love" making it the foundational word for the love of God to his people and the love of Christians to each other and to the world. Before this change, “philia” (friendship-love) was the more general word for love in the Greek language. Though this word properly referred to the love of friends, it was also the common word for all expressions of love. This reveals the centrality of friendship-love to all expressions of love in the Greek mind.

This is not so obvious in our contemporary understanding of love. In our culture we do not value friendship-love like we value family-love or eros-love. Indeed, many do not regard friendship-love as a genuine expression of love at all! For some, it is considered an optional add-on, at best. It is taken for granted that we will have a greater commitment to our family or lover than to our friends. For example, when a single person finally happens upon their “soul-mate,” he or she usually does not feel tremendously pressured to maintain his or her former friendships as before. Sadly, many singles discard past friendships without a thought, holding romance in higher esteem.

The fact that we tend to undervalue friendship as a genuine form of love is further evidenced by the fact that we are uncomfortable telling our friends we love them. We fear that our expression of love may be misunderstood as having a sexual overtones. Furthermore, we are unlikely to speak of growing in intimacy with a friend for fear of the same misunderstanding.

It is our eroticized culture that has caused us to undervalue friendship. Love, in our culture, is often reduced to the sex act (we speak of "making love"). Likewise, intimacy is often equated with sexual intercourse rather than with the sharing of two souls. Our sex-crazed and sex-saturated culture often confuses true intimacy with genital-intimacy. We think that genuine intimacy can only take place with eros. We assume that true satisfying intimacy can only occur when bodily fluids are exchanged. But there is a world of difference between sharing body parts and sharing souls. Genuine intimacy can be known without genital-intimacy, just as genital-intimacy can be experienced without any real self-giving or sharing.

When friendship is discounted as a genuine expression of love and a real opportunity for intimacy our options are limited in relation to truly experiencing these things. Indeed, our options are reduced to family and lovers. In this way, our eroticized culture belittles and undervalues the genuine love of friendship.

This has a further negative effect in the way we live our lives, specifically in regard to our pursuits. Because we do not value friendship as a genuine expression of love or a real opportunity for intimacy, we do not expend much energy pursuing or maintaining friendships. We are far more likely to expend effort in maintaining blood-ties or in pursuing romantic partners. Consider all the effort people put into pursuing a soul-mate. Whole industries are fueled by this rampant desire. We are also far more likely to put more effort into less-valuable pursuits.

Is this perhaps the reason why true friendship, according to Lewis, has a hard time flourishing in a society like ours, where pragmatism, speed, efficiency and our chronic 'lack of time' leave little interior space or energy in most of us to cultivate patiently and lovingly relationships that do not seem to contribute immediately to our productivity or career advancement? At most, perhaps, we may be willing to concede a few 'good friends' are a useful thing to have because, after all, we do need to relax in good company on our off-hours so as to insure mental health and a cheery mood, without which we cannot return to accomplish effectively the central occupation in life, which is or course our work.[1]

Friendships deserve more than our emotional leftovers. We will pursue friendship only in proportion to how much we value friendship. If we consider our friendships an “optional add-on” to our lives, then we will not expend much time or energy pursuing or maintaining them. If we treasure our friendships, we will spend ourselves in and for them. We will give ourselves wholly to them.

It is not just our romance-crazed desires that undervalue friendship, but the frenetic pace of our lives. We want to love and be loved. We want genuine intimacy, but not if it takes time or work. We want the privileges of friendship without the responsibilities. We want to work overtime, pursue all our hobbies and interests, maintain a perfect physique through endless hours of training, take the classes needed to increase our skills and advance our careers, and yet still expect to have good friends to share all this with! In other words, friendship is nice if it happens, but if it will not fit into our current frenetic pace, then it is expendable. And then we wonder why we are exhausted, lonely, and empty!

True friendships demand real effort. Instant intimacy is an oxymoron. Genuine intimacy always demands time, effort, and commitment. Patience and perseverance undergird any loving relationship; faithfulness and love tie the bonds. We must recognize that it is impossible to really love apart from real effort. Instant intimacy is impossible. It is the lie of the prostitute! If we desire our relationships to ever be any more than using others for our own personal gain, then we must begin to value friendship as a real form of love and a genuine opportunity for intimacy.

Valuing Friendship

For the Christian, the value of friendship goes beyond the opportunities it provides for real love and genuine intimacy. These valuable elements of friendship indicate that its origin is more than merely human. It is a gift from God. Every good and perfect gift comes from above -- friendship is one of these gifts. Indeed, it is not only a good gift, but a precious treasure. Friendship is a treasure which enriches, ennobles and expands our life. Its value far exceeds our worthiness of the gift. We do not deserve such a gift from heaven. Subsequently, we must do all we can to guard and preserve this sweet gift.

In Aelred's classic treatment Spiritual Friendship, he celebrates human friendship as the height of holy experiences. "In human affairs nothing more sacred is striven for, nothing more useful is sought after, nothing more difficult is discovered, nothing more sweet experienced, and nothing more profitable possessed. For friendship bears fruit in this life and in the next."[2] According to Aelred, happiness is found in friendship.

"But what happiness, what security, what joy to have someone to whom you dare to speak on terms of equality as to another self; one to whom you need have no fear to confess your failings; one to whom you can unblushingly make known what progress you have made in the spiritual life; one to whom you can entrust all the secrets of your heart and before whom you can place all your plans! [3]

The believer who treasures friendship as a gift from God is also able to see the incredible spiritual opportunities of friendship. Friendship is not a luxury, but a spiritual opportunity that must not be neglected in the interests of more "spiritual" things. Friendship is "an occasion for growing in grace, for learning love, for training the heart to patience and faith, and for knowing the joy of humble service."[4]

Friendship is a powerful force in our lives because we are shaped by our relationships. "We do not and cannot define ourselves alone. Our relationships with others make us who we are. Our deepest questions are only answerable in dialogue with others. Friendships are the key to our spiritual growth."[5] We grow in maturity in and through our relationships with others.

Whether we like it or not, the love of others changes us. Love is a powerful force for change and friendship is a form of love. "All love ultimately has a divine origin; that love is therefore a force greater than myself; that the person who accepts its invasion will not remain the same; that the changes involved will feel like the destruction of the person I used to be."[6] If we love and are truly loved, we will be changed (and perhaps fall to pieces in the process). The wisdom of the Velveteen Rabbit conveys this great truth: "When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but really loves you, then you become real." This kind of love does not come naturally. One does not "fall into it." It must be chosen, pursued, and maintained. And one must be committed to all the risks and dangers it involves—for true love is not nice and tidy, but personal and messy. Giving ourselves away in love invites sufferings and difficulties.

Of course, if we do not choose to love others we will still be changed, but the change will be for the worse. Certainly, we can withhold our love and protect ourselves, but over time we will become cold, hard, and lonely. Thus we are changed, but not for the better. C. S. Lewis put it best, by drawing attention to the fact that our actions are the seeds for either our transformation or degeneration.

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket -- safe, dark, motionless, airless -- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside heaven where you will be perfectly safe from all dangers and perturbations of love is hell." (Lewis)

Benefits of Friendship

God's gift of friendship brings many blessings, benefiting our soul and the souls of others. Following are four benefits of friendship:

Friendship is an opportunity to share God's love with another. God loves our friends through us. Jesus made it clear that he so identifies with his people that he receives the love we give to others: "whatever you did to one of these brothers of mine, even the least of them, you did it to me" (Matthew 25:40).

God's love became incarnate ("enfleshed") in a unique and inimitable way in the person of Jesus Christ. In a much smaller way, God's love becomes incarnate in us as we becomes instruments of his love to others. Love can easily remain theoretical -- an abstract ideal -- unless it is enfleshed in and through us. As we love our friends, God's love becomes enfleshed -- the abstract ideal becomes practically real. Furthermore, God's love is specially applied to particular objects of his love and delight. In the same way, when we express special love toward special acquaintances, we embody God's love.

As we become instruments of God's love to others, we are personally transformed. We become like our Lord as we love and serve our special friends. "The Son of Man came, not to be served, but to serve, and give His life a ransom for many."

Friendship is an opportunity to receive God's love through another. It has been said that a friend is “God filtered through a person.” God is experienced in and through our human friendships. When we spend time with our friend we are two people together with Christ as our bond. Aelred begins his classic treatise on friendship with these words: "Here we are, you and I, and I hope a third, Christ, is in our midst."[7] God is with us when we are with our friends. He ministers to us through their friendship. Our friendships have a purifying effect, exerting a formative influence on us.

Friendship is an opportunity to learn from others. A spiritual friend gives us another set of eyes with which to view the world and our place within the world. This new perspective helps us to see ourselves more clearly. Even if our friends' perspective challenges our own, we recognize that the challenge comes from a friend who loves us. "Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but deceitful are the kisses of an enemy" (Pro. 27:6). Without this perspective we can become cynical, self-indulgent, or self-righteous. "A spiritual partner can help us ground our spiritual life in something more solid than private experience or personal opinion."[8]

As our love for our friend grows, so does our desire to imitate our friend, for we become like the ones we love (this is the reason why married couples begin to look like one another over time). This can be positive or negative, depending on the character of our friend. For this reason, "we should be careful whom we choose to befriend because we will become like them."[9] We should befriend only those with whom we can be mutually supportive in virtue.

When our friend pursues virtue and truth his or her life provides an example of faithful Christian living. We see the faith enfleshed in the life of our friend, providing us with a “living sermon” of the Christian faith. Certainly, it is good to hear about the Christian faith, but it is even better to see the Christian life lived out in all of the common daily routines of life.

Friendships ennoble us to be better together than we would be individually. Good friends can draw out the best in us. They can empower us to stand strong. "When men face the world together and are ready to stand shoulder to shoulder, the sense of comradeship makes each strong... [This] is a great comfort -- to know that, if one falls, the other with him up."[10]

Friends are also an added guard against temptation:

The recollection of a friend whom we admire is a great force to save us from evil and to prompt us to good. The thought that his sorrow in any moral breakdown of ours will often nerve us to stand firm. What would my friend think of me, if I did this or consented to this meanness? Could I look him in the face again and meet the calm, pure gaze of his eye? Would it not be a blot on our friendship and draw a veil over our interchanges?[11]

Fighting for Friendship

Truly, friendship is a gift worth treasuring. Moreover, it is worth much because it is not easily found. Therefore, this gift is worth pursuing and maintaining, no matter what obstacles must be overcome.

We must be willing to risk pain for the sake of establishing a friendship. "Few things frighten some of us more than revealing our inner selves."[12] Relationships demand vulnerability. Vulnerability always brings risk and invites danger. Many of those with the toughest veneer are really just carriers of a fear-filled heart that is afraid to fully expose itself to others. The fear of betrayal and rejection loom large. Even worse, the fear that we will ultimately have little of value to offer to others terrifies and often immobilizes.

"Rather than expose a self that we imagine to be inadequate or ugly, we instinctively build walls of isolation."[13] This is a safer life, but also a lonely life. But we must conquer our fears in order to break down these walls. The fears will not disappear, so we must act in the midst of them. Courage is acting boldly in spite of fear, not acting wrecklessly without fear.

"Bruce Larson once asked the Swiss Christian psychologist Paul Tourneir, 'How do you help your patients get rid of their fears?' 'I don't,' he said. 'Fear is wonderful. Everything that's worthwhile in life is scary. Choosing a school, choosing a career, getting married, having kids -- the good things are scary. Don't get rid of your fears; look for fear. Do the thing you're afraid to do."[14]

Obviously there are dangers to pursuing any new relationship, but the dangers should not paralyze us. Our fears should make us cautious and discerning; they should not immobilize us from acting. Ultimately, we cannot enjoy the blessings of friendship with risking betrayal, rejection, and brokenness.

Not only must we be willing to risk, we must also be willing to sacrifice for the sake of maintaining our friendships. Relationships demand effort -- time, care, attention, and nurture. "We make connections and acquaintances, and call them friends. We have few friendships, because we are not willing to pay the price of friendship… We lament that we have no staunch, faithful friend, when we have really not expanded the love that produces such. We want to reap where we have not sown."[15]

Friendships can die of neglect. Absence does not always make the heart grow fonder. Often equally true that "Out of sight, out of mind!" We must heed Hugh Black's warning that "Friendship needs delicate handling… we can kill it by neglect."[16]

In short, we must constantly bear in mind that we cannot enjoy the benefits of friendship without sacrifice.

The benefits of friendship outweigh the risks and are worth the sacrifice. The alternative is not appealing. "A person may make many a friendship to his own hurt, but the isolated life is a greater danger still. Every relationship means risk, but we must take the risk; for while nearly all our sorrows come from our connection with others, nearly all our joys have the same source."[17]

Friendship with a believer is an eternal gift -- a love that will never end! The Scriptures teach that marriage is an ordinance for this life only. This is the reason that marriage vows are "till death do us part." I may not be my wife's husband in glory, but I will be her friend! Our erotic relationship will ultimately end (although I am sure it will be replaced by something far more wonderful), but our friendship never will.

Michael Smith is right when he sings that "friends are friends forever, if the Lord is the lord of them." In light of the eternal nature of friendship it is vital that we examine ourselves: Are we spending time on eternal, lasting things? Or are we busily rushing about consumed with less important things?

Sometimes we must ask ourselves whether all our busyness makes a difference? Or is it destructive of self and others? Are we prisoners of the exhilaration of being busy and rushing from place to place? We love the sense of energy and excitement our lifestyle brings. All the while we have the illusion of being firmly in control of our lives. Yet in the rush, we often fail to notice the things and people around us. We walk right by them. And in our more reflective moments we wonder if we may be failing at the most important things while managing our time to make the less important things turn out all right. Are we dodging the personal questions and the relationships that give life meaning by immersing ourselves in lists of things to do?[18]

© Richard J. Vincent, July 21, 2002