Chapter Five from the book "Navigating the Dating Maze"

It is vital that our view of marriage is realistic and not romantic. Marriage is a high calling with many responsibilities and numerous harsh realities. I am about to ask you to consider some very hard and penetrating questions, and I would like you to seriously consider your answer to these questions. The point of these questions is to force you to think realistically about marriage which is the same thing as saying that I want you to think Biblically about marriage. The truths about marriage and its accompanying responsibilities are not discovered in the dating maze. The truths are found in Holy Scripture. Unless you can answer yes to all of the following questions, then you are probably not ready for marriage.

Are you ready to lose the freedom and independence that you presently are privileged to practice?

As a single person you have a great amount of freedom and independence. This is a wonderful privilege and a gift from God. Marriage will strike at this freedom and independence. Biblical marriage will not allow you to live as a two singles sharing the same bed. It demands that you grow together with another in intimacy -- in an intimacy which is often painfully revealing of your own shortcomings and sinfulness. Are you ready for an unparalleled invasion of your privacy?

Mike Mason states the conflict well in his book Mystery of Marriage, "It seems to me that the conflict which marriage uncovers is always essentially this same one: it is always some version of this tension between the needs for dependence and for independence, between the urge toward loving cooperation and the opposite urge toward detachment, privacy, self sufficiency. Even to people who have dreamed for years about getting married and who think of themselves as having to be alone, marriage still cannot help but come as an invasion of privacy. No one has ever been married without being surprised, and usually alarmed, at the sheer intensity of this invasion."

As adults, one of our favorite pastimes is to watch babies and young toddlers perform their selfless displays of wondrous exposure before us. They are not stressed over their being acutely observed. They experience no awkwardness stemming from an acute self-consciousness of being the focus of attention. Animals, for the most part, are the same way. We enjoy watching them play and romp about. We love to see them bask in the sun or skip by our side.

The situation is different when it comes to us however. You know how uncomfortable you get when someone stares at you. You know the awkwardness of seeing in your peripheral vision someone gawking at you. You know the embarrassment of having all eyes focused on a mistake you made, or the collective gaze of a crowd as they watch you leave a full auditorium. The steady piercing stare of another is intimidating and uncomfortable. Are you ready for this intrusion the rest of your life? Your mate will be watching you because they love you. And you have the responsibility to willingly expose yourself to them or true intimacy will never occur!

Are you ready to exchange a gift from God (singleness) for another gift (marriage)?

"The most miserable people in the world are not single people who wish they were married, but rather, married people who realize that their marriage was a mistake." Once married, you permanently give up the privileges that proceed from the gift of singleness that you once possessed. This exchange is non-refundable, non-returnable. Are you ready to lose privileges and gain new ones? D. James Kennedy teaches that most of his counseling consists of single people who wish they were married and married people who wish they were single!

You are giving up a precious gift. The gift of singleness and all the privileges and blessings that accompany are gifts of God for which you should be grateful. Many people blame God for their singleness, when they should be thanking Him for it! Are you ready to give up this most precious gift? Really?

Are you ready to have your sinfulness fully exposed?

"A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married." You can’t hide your sinfulness from your marriage partner. You might try for a prolonged time, but you will do it at the expense of increasing intimacy.

Even though we yearn for genuine intimacy with another, in the final analysis, genuine intimacy is repulsive to us. Intimacy is repulsive not because of what it provides, but because of what it exposes. Our sinful habits, our irritating behaviors, embarrassing foibles, and childlike manners are exposed before our mate in all their fullness. Mike Mason exposes our love-hate relationship with intimacy. "It is not intimacy itself, therefore, which is so distasteful and intimidating to the world, but rather the moral condemnation that comes with it. People crave closeness with one another, but are repelled by the sin that such closeness inevitably uncovers in themselves: the selfish motives that are unmasked, the pettiness that spills out, the monstrous new image of self that emerges as it struggles so pitifully to have its own way."

There is nothing better than a good marriage and nothing worse than a bad marriage! Marriage leads one to the height of ecstasy and the joy of joys. It also brings one to the pit of despair through the crucible of fire. Do you really want to experience the most gut-wrenching, earth-shattering, self-denying conflict of your life? Really?

Are you ready for the single greatest unbreakable and unchanging commitment of your life?

"For in the first place, love convinces a couple that they are the greatest romance that has ever been, that no two people have ever loved as they do, and that they will sacrifice absolutely anything in order to be together. And then marriage asks them to prove it."

In the marriage vows, you make a covenant that covers all the bases and all exceptions. It is universal in its application touching all extremes possible. In the marriage vow you commit to love, honor, and cherish another until death do you part. You vow complete, loyal, committed, pure fidelity to the end! You place yourself under obligation to the highest court of heaven to faithfully serve your spouse to your dying breath! In the vows, you make it clear that nothing will stop you from faithfully exercising your duties toward your spouse. You agree to perform in times of sickness and in times of health, during times of financial prosperity and during times of financial ruin, in the best of times and in the worst of times! No other vow is so consuming and demanding. This is the single greatest unbreakable and unchanging commitment of your life! Are you ready for it?

It is necessary that we take marriage vows because we are liars by nature. We must not only say, and not only promise, but we must vow to love our spouse! Neil Warren gives us an example of many people’s idea of the marriage vow. It would be humorous were it not so indicative of the modern mindset. "I, James, take you, Susan, to be my wife. I promise to love you whenever possible. When you are worthy of it, I will honor you. When I want something from you and you give it to me, I will cherish you. If everything goes well between us, our relationship will continue. From my point of view it will mostly depend upon you, and I wish you nothing but the best."

The absolute commitment of the marriage vow provides the environment for true intimacy to develop. "Love flourishes in an atmosphere where two people trust each other and know that they will promote the welfare of the other." Only in this climate can people truly abandon themselves in order to expose themselves without fear or shame. Again, Neil Warren gives some helpful insight in this area. "Commitment significantly eases the fear of abandonment... Commitment makes trust and intimacy possible. How can I share my innermost self with another person if I sense that I am being evaluated, that I may be disposed of? There is no way! But if I know in the deepest parts of my person that my partner is absolutely committed to me forever, what a powerful difference that makes. When all of this is true, I can reveal things about myself that I have never revealed before. My secrets are safe. I’m joined with someone dedicated to my growth and development. Suddenly or slowly, all of my most carefully guarded feelings, memories and experiences begin to be shared. In this process, the inevitable interweaving takes place; this other person and I become one. We are woven together because we are able to trust so deeply."

Are you starting to realize that this high view of commitment and the harsh realities of marriage will not be discovered while dating? They must be discerned through a careful examination of what the Bible has to say about marriage. The amount of time spent dating is not nearly as important as having a mature view of marriage and the commitment, responsibilities, and exposure it involves! This mature view only comes about by sustained study and meditation on the truths of the Bible.

Are you ready to sacrifice your selfish pleasures to please another? (1 Cor. 7:32-34)

Sacrificing pleasures in order to please others often involves surrendering your personal rights. This is exactly what happens in marriage. You surrender your rights to your self, body and all (see 1 Cor. 7:2-4). Love, by nature, demands sacrifice because love always involves giving. Elizabeth Elliot writes, "No bride or groom can enter marriage without surrendering the right to self. But of course people get married all the time with no intention whatever of doing that... They have found a human being who, they suppose, is capable of meeting their needs -- the perfect mate, compatible, lovable, comprehensible. But this prize package is always a surprise package. They are headed for trouble, for unless they learn daily to make the sacrifices of love, the marriage is at best only a 'working relationship,' not a union. At worst, it dissolves."

Are you ready to strive to please your mate? In 1 Corinthians 7:32-34, Paul assumes that those who are married will understand that their responsibility is "to please" their mate. The Greek word for "please" is "aresko" and it means "to accommodate one’s self to the opinions, desires, and interests of others." This word has an emotional element to it which stirs up desire. For example, the daughter of Herodias "pleased" Herod with her dancing (Matt. 14:6). Paul expects the husband and wife to strive to please one another.

Pleasing others involves sacrificing selfish desires. It is impossible to continually seek the benefit of others and our own selfish benefit simultaneously. Marriage involves a process of daily dying to self. In other words, marriage takes work because marriage involves the highest display of human love possible. And true love is by definition "long-suffering" (1 Cor. 13:4). "No one should enter the covenant of marriage without realizing the immense time and energy required to make that relationship work." Bill Hybels is painfully honest in his description of a successful marriage. "Marriage can be wonderful. It can be deeply satisfying and mutually fulfilling. But, if it becomes that, it is because both partners have paid a very high price over many years to make it that way. They will have died to selfishness a thousand times. They will have had countless difficult conversations. They will have endured sleepless nights and strained days. They will have prayed hundreds of prayers for wisdom and patience and courage and understanding. They will have said, ‘I’m sorry’ too many times to remember."

Do you have a realistic view of the sacrificial labor involved in a Biblical marriage? One last witness to this truth and then we move on. "Successful marriages require an incredible amount of hard work. You will experience all kinds of pain, and there will be problems all along the way... I have watched many marriages sink because the couples expected life to be filled with ivy-covered cottages, walks on the beach, steamy love scenes and nonstop fun."

Are you ready to risk everything on another person?

No matter what the dating books promise, you can’t be assured a certain future of ease, satisfaction, deep happiness, and total fulfillment. No matter how wise your search, no matter how prayerful your heart is, not matter how obedient you are to implementing God’s commands, He never has promised a life of ease, comfort, and satisfaction. The dating books may guarantee this, but God doesn’t. Indeed, He has promised tribulations, afflictions, and trials (John 16:33; 2 Cor. 1:4; 1 Peter 1:6-9; 4:19).

Many books make promises which they just can’t fulfill. Neil Warren states that "[I]f you choose wisely, your life will be significantly easier and infinitely more satisfying" "When you find a person like this, your dream of experiencing deep happiness and total fulfillment is well within your grasp." Even if Neil Warren’s book was 100% true without any faults or blemishes, giving the one divine pattern for dating, he could still not make the claims he does. He cannot promise a "significantly easier and infinitely more satisfying life." Nor can he secure a life of "deep happiness and total fulfillment." Indeed, even if you completely obey God in all your search, you can’t even be assured a mediocre life, much less an "infinitely satisfying" life! There is no such thing as a risk-free marriage. There are no marriage guarantees. There are no conditional vows!

When we commit to another, we are taking the biggest risk of our lives. "The taking of vows is an act of faith. If people were faithful by nature, vows would not be necessary; their yes would be yes and their no would be no. But it is because people are not inherently faithful nor honest nor loving that they must stand up and declare that they will be."

Neil Warren, who curiously makes such bold promises in the beginning of his book, also offers this wise statement near the end of his book. "It is folly to think that you can ever know enough about another person to be assured that marriage will be a good deal for the next 40, 50 or 60 years."

Marriage is a risk. It is a gamble, no matter how well you prepare for it. You risk being tremendously hurt. The more you expose yourself, the greater your intimacy is with another, the greater you open yourself up to hurt. Nothing hurts more than the betrayal of an intimate friend and there is no more intimate friend than your marriage partner. "No one in the world has such power to hurt as a husband, wife, or intimate friend. To love is to be vulnerable to that power which lies in the hands of the one loved... To love means to open ourselves to suffering."

There is a great risk involved in loving others. Vulnerability brings great danger. When I come home at night my faithful cat, Flash, rolls over on her back fully exposing her fragile belly in order to show her complete trust of me and in order that I might gently rub her belly. She does not expect me to grind my foot into her exposed belly, although I could very well do that. She has made herself vulnerable and thus opened herself up to much pleasure or pain, depending upon my response. It is my joy to bring her pleasure. It would grieve my heart to bring her pain. However, often in the marriage relationship, our words, our actions, and our attitudes can often come down like a hammer on an exposed belly, bringing great pain to our partner.

Yet, without this type of exposure and vulnerability there is no chance for intimacy to develop. That is why the single Christians must ask themselves whether they are ready to take this risk, not fully knowing the eventual outcome. "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket -- safe, dark, motionless, airless -- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside heaven where you will be perfectly safe from all dangers and perturbations of love is hell."

Look over all of the above questions again. After sustained reflection on them, can you truly answer yes to them all. If you can, then you are ready to pursue a marriage partner. If you can’t, then you have not fully considered the gravity of the marriage covenant. If, perhaps, you think I have been too pessimistic or too dark in my questions and in their analysis, then you are not ready to marry! Your view of marriage is far too idealistic.

All these questions are an attempt to force you to have a realistic view of marriage. Don’t undertake "The Fruitless Quest," the search for what does not exist. The mythical quest for Mr. Perfect or Miss Wonderful will always end in disillusion, frustration, and despair. There are no knights in shining armor to steal away your heart. There are no perfect fair damsels in distress.

Date to Mate! There is no reason to date and raise expectations (your own or your date’s) unless you have settled the matter in your heart and know that you would like to marry someday!

Once you have an affirmative answer to this question, "Why would you even want to marry?" the next question is: "Why would you pick one partner over another?" It is to that question that we now draw our attention.

© Richard J. Vincent, November 27, 1997