"Divorce is a tragedy, and often the church's confused response to it has only compounded the tragedy."[1]

In spite of cautious courtships, rigorous premarital preparations, and the best of intentions, divorce, both in the world and in the church, remains an enduring feature of American life. The fallout from shattered marriages pervades our society. The walking wounded are around and within our congregations. Very few extended families have been left untouched by the disastrous consequences of divorce.

In light of this, the significance of one's view on divorce and remarriage in pastoral ministry is immense. It will have a pervasive and lasting influence on the life of a congregation. Indeed, it will prove to be formative in defining proper boundaries in relationships within the church. Very few issues have the ability to so greatly impact the very fabric of the nuclear family and of parish relationships.

Life in a fallen world guarantees that the best intentions can end in miserable failure. With divorce statistics rising, and second marriages common, it is time for the church to recognize that ministry to people from broken families is equally as significant as ministry to the nuclear family. Unfortunately, the "family friendly" model that many churches endorse is not broad enough to include a large group of hurting, lonely, and broken people.

True ministry is always ministry of the Word. It is a loving service to others that stems from a commitment to a biblical worldview grounded in biblical truth. Too often the church's response to victims of divorce is confused and unclear. A compassionate response to our fractured society demands that those within the church care enough for the hurting to give Biblical guidance in the midst of broken relationships. In order to minister God's grace and love to divorcées, it is vital that each local church have a well-developed position statement concerning divorce and remarriage. A common confession in regard to these things would do much to provide a stable working foundation in ministering to this ever-growing segment of society.

The Agony of Failed Marriages

Among human relationships, there is none more binding than marriage. No other relationship demands so much of a person. No other relationship involves such a prolonged commitment to another. Such perceived stability brings great joy and great risks. In healthy marriages, the joy of intimacy is uplifting and ennobling, bringing a sense of significance, joy, and security. Yet, in the midst of this, a subtle danger lurks. The degree of vulnerability, openness, and interdependence that marriage demands can be dangerous. It is always possible that one partner will take advantage of the other -- that one will abuse or betray the trust that has been given them.

Nothing hurts more than the betrayal of an intimate friend. Jesus knew this in experiencing the betrayal of Judas. And there is no more intimate friend and partner than one's spouse. “No one in the world has such power to hurt as a husband, wife, or intimate friend. To love is to be vulnerable to that power which lies in the hands of the one loved... To love means to open ourselves to suffering.”[2]

For many, the ability to be open, vulnerable, and dependent is difficult to regain after experiencing a shattered relationship. Intimate relationships are viewed through lenses of caution, doubt, and suspicion. The idea of marrying again holds no promise of security, but rather, provokes only fear and apprehension. Sadly, it is just at the time that the divorcée begins to view all relationships with suspicion that the church decides to fold her arms in disgust and condemn the righteous with the wicked by declaring all divorce sinful. "That those who have experienced a tragedy nearly as traumatic as the death of a spouse should bear a continued shame from parts of the church is unconscionable."[3]

No one entering marriage ever plans to divorce. Failure is always the unintended result. Divorce papers are usually the culmination of repeatedly shattered hopes. All participants in a divorce soon realize that divorce is never the end of their problems. Instead, it immediately introduces new problems. "For each person involved there is pain: worry about the children, uncertainty, sudden loneliness, financial hardship, the lingering and agonizing death of hoped-for love and belonging."[4] Failure in marriage can leave long-lasting feelings of guilt, fear, shame, and grief.

In the case where one partner is the victim of another's rejection of the marital bond, the agony penetrates even deeper. Betrayal by another, especially one so close as the marriage partner, is painful. This often leads to an agonizing introspection. The victim goes over events again and again in his or her mind. They desperately seek to discover what it is about themselves that is so repulsive that someone once so close would utterly reject them. This inner pain and turmoil is heightened by cloudy and confused teaching. "Many loving and compassionate people have been wounded by spouses they trusted, only to be wounded again by fellow-Christians who did not know what to do with them."[5]

The Importance of Developing a Biblical Position

Although the pain and grief of divorce must not be the basis for the church's official teaching on divorce, it should definitely be a factor in applying the church's teaching to individual lives. Indeed, the church must keep from pat, easy, one-size-fits-all answers and consider each individual case on its own merits. It must never be forgotten that a church's official teaching truly impacts individual lives. Thus, great care must be used in developing, stating, and applying one's doctrine of divorce and remarriage.

Wrong teaching in this area can lead to licentiousness or legalism. A view that claims "no divorce under any circumstances" may place a bondage on a spouse in a difficult marriage that is oppressive and inescapable. In the worst of cases, a spouse may even consider that death by suicide is the only viable option for release. In contrast, a view that claims "divorce under (m)any circumstances" can appear to give license to abandon the marriage relationship at the first sign of marital discord. A view that teaches "divorce but no remarriage" may leave a betrayed partner with inescapable feelings of guilt, self-hatred, and despair and the inevitable hopelessness that no second chances are available -- failure is final.

On the other hand, right teaching in this area can minister healing and reconciliation. Good, balanced, biblical teaching, precisely stated and mercifully applied, will honor the God of marriage. It will testify of His high esteem for marriage and covenant faithfulness. It will also speak of His hatred of sexual immorality and covenant unfaithfulness.

Difficulties in Developing a Doctrine on Divorce and Remarriage

There are seemingly insurmountable difficulties in developing a biblical position on divorce and remarriage. Some feel a need to make strict, absolute claims on these issues in light of high divorce rates and easy-divorce laws. One can always appear more "righteous" and "holy" by maintaining a strict position. It is easy to write-off those who advocate divorce in certain situations as being "soft on sin." It is also easy for those who hold a more balanced interpretation, allowing for divorce in a few circumstances, to label any opposition as "legalistic" or "unloving." There are strong feelings on all sides of the issue. Those against divorce are convinced their strong feelings are righteous and godly. Those who allow for divorce in certain situations are confident that their convictions are right and God-honoring as well.

Due to the capacity for both sides to feel superior due to their respective rigidity or leniency, it is important to approach this subject with as much objectivity as possible. This warning is especially appropriate in regard to those who hold a no divorce position. Some equate strictness with holiness, and thus regard any exceptions allowing for divorce as suspect from the beginning. This bias must be exposed and rejected if one is to treat all the appropriate texts fairly. Thomas Edgar gives a much needed warning in this regard: "We must not approach this subject with the assumption that it is inherently more spiritual to reject all divorce and remarriage."[6] Some people "frequently react as if, regardless of Scripture, it is inherently more upright or moral to be against divorce."[7] But it is not more upright or moral to be against divorce if Scripture allows for divorce in certain circumstances. Disregarding the exceptions is unrighteous, if the exceptions are God-given. We dare not attempt to be more righteous than God!

In short, this is a deeply emotional issue for all involved. No matter what position one holds, one is assured of controversy. Thus it is vital that one approach this issue with careful reflection, detached emotions, and a high respect for the authority of Scripture. "What saith the Scriptures?" must be our first and final court of appeal.

The superiority of one's view must be established on sound and consistent exegetical arguments. The goal must be to harmonize all the relevant Scriptures into one consistent statement. Personal bias and anecdotal evidence must be thrown out from the beginning. It would be very easy for proponents of each view to present their own anecdotal cases of victory proving their "position" is correct.[8] "[W]e must avoid arguing from human experience. It would be easy to list case after tragic case and to so play on emotions that any sensitive reader would cry out, "No! Let him or her go!" It would be almost as easy to list case after case of selfish and unnecessary divorce and to trace their tragic consequences."[9]

Footnotes

© Richard J. Vincent, September 20, 1999