Wife: “Honey, we need to talk.”
Husband: “Do we have to?”

According to Patricia Love and Steven Stosny, these two phrases can harm rather than heal a marriage. They write,

Research and our combined fifty-plus years of clinical experience show repeatedly that, despite your best intentions, talking about your relationship has more of a chance of making it worse than making it better. And it has nothing to do with your partner’s lack of interest or “poor communication skills.” (1-2)

Why do these words cause so much trouble?

Women want to talk about the relationship because they’re upset and want to feel better. Men don’t want to talk because talking won’t make them feel better. In fact, it will make them feel worse! So whether she forces him to talk or not, they both end up feeling disappointed and disconnected. This loneliness of disconnection lies at the heart of every argument or cold silence, fueling your disappointment or resentment. It also leads to the distance that can ultimately tear your relationship apart. (2, emphasis theirs)

In most cases, both partners desire the same thing – to remove feelings of disconnection and reestablish a sense of connection – but they seek to achieve this in ways that correspond to the “slight difference in the way the sexes experience fear and shame”:

The real reason the woman wants to talk about it—beneath the resentment and frustration—is that disconnection makes her feel anxious and, on a deeper level, isolated and afraid. The real reason the man doesn’t want to talk about the relationship is that her dissatisfaction with him makes him feel like a failure. On a deeper level, he feels ashamed. His shame is too great to allow him to understand her fear, and her fear keeps her from seeing his shame. (2)

So when the wife says, “Honey, we need to talk,” the husband, with a heightened sensitivity to feeling shame and inadequacy in relationships, hears “that he is not meeting her expectations—he’s failing her—which sends him into the pain of his own inadequacy” (9). His lackluster response causes his wife to feel that he doesn’t care for her needs which plays on her fears of isolation and abandonment.

Thus, the real problem is not communication – it is a sense of disconnection. Contrary to conventional wisdom, talking about it may or may not be the answer. Men and women experience fear and shame differently – but this doesn’t have to drive a couple apart. The key is to manage the differences with mutual compassion. The only way to do this is by learning to understand how men and women experience fear and shame differently. It is to this task of mutual understanding of one another’s vulnerabilities that the authors devote the bulk of the book.

Tending and Befriending vs. Fight and Flight

Women avoid fear by tending and befriending while men avoid shame by fight and flight. These are two radically diverse responses to our vulnerabilities. It is our failure to understand our partner’s response to fear and shame that contributes to our frustration, disappointment, rejection, and ultimately, to our sense of disconnection.

Women avoid fear by tending (protecting themselves and their young through nurturing behaviors) and befriending (forming alliances with others, particularly women). On the other hand, “[f]or the average male, relationships are not a reliable source of comfort” because most men feel inadequate in relationships (16). For a man, “going to the relationship for comfort is like seeking solace from the enemy… This is why he often goes to fight-or-flight response to ease his distress and not to a heart-to-heart talk with the woman in his life. Fight or flight is the male equivalent of tend and befriend” (16).

This is hard for a woman to understand or relate to:

Because emotional bonds serve as a woman’s primary source of comfort, it appalls women when men try to cope with stress in ways that seem to threaten emotional bonds, for example: distraction (work, TV, computer, hobbies); status seeking (work, sports, acquiring expensive toys); emotional shutdown (if you feel nothing, you won’t feel inadequate); anger (if you numb the pain you won’t feel it); and aggression (if you exert power and control, you won’t feel the powerlessness of failure and inadequacy). (15-16)

Men and women feel vulnerable in different ways. This calls for mutual understanding: “What the couple needs is to understand the vulnerabilities of the other… That’s how it is for most couples. He soothes her anxiety and she soothes his shame simultaneously, by making each other feel important and valuable. This mutual compassion and caring are the basis of your connection” (22).

Men and women also experience a sense of connection in slightly different ways. This also can be a source of tension. For example, though most husbands value their relationship with their wives, the way they experience this is often difficult for a woman to understand.

Men have a hard time giving the reasons they value their wives, because their wives are the reason they value everything else. Women make it possible for their men to find enjoyment in watching sports, cooking, tinkering with the car, and hanging out with fiends—plus, she gives meaning to his going to work every day We can say with confidence to the majority of women reading this book that, without you, he would just go through the motions of life. Be very clear about this: In all likelihood, you provide the meaning of his life. (45-46)

This is the reason most men “feel happier and more secure at home when their wives are there with them… The man’s routine works when she’s there” (55).

The question naturally follows: So why doesn’t he show it?

Because he’s ashamed. Many men invest little positive emotion in their relationships for one single reason—to reduce the pain of failure that seems inevitable. Deep in their hearts, so many of the men we have seen in therapy expect that one day their complaining partners will get fed up with their inadequacies and leave them all alone. It may not seem to the women in their lives that they feel inadequate about relationships, because they blame all the problems on their wives: “You want too much” or “You don’t know what you want” or “Nothing’s good enough for you” or “Nobody could make you happy.” He may even sound convinced, but such statements always cover up a deep sense of inadequacy. Men feel powerless about relationships. (47)

The authors summarize this tension: “He thinks he’s honoring the relationship because he can relax with her in the room (or the next room), and she thinks he’s failing the relationship because he’s not interacting with her” (50, emphasis theirs).

Compassionate Connection – Not Communication

How can this tension be relieved? If the authors are correct, it will not be through long intimate discussions, but through small steps of improvement and increased compassion for the other. Intimate talk is a limited solution because this is not necessarily how men grow in their sense of connectedness to their spouse.

Intimate talk, for instance, causes higher physiological arousal in men— with greater central nervous system activity, more blood flow to the muscles, and a lot more impulsivity—than women experience. (When a man feels something he has to do something.) Sitting still, looking into each other’s eyes, and talking about emotions may be comforting to women (if he can make it sound sincere) but physically uncomfortable for men. This accounts for the squirm factor that many men are likely to display when their partners sit them down, look into their eyes, and talk about emotions. (51-52)

Some women think that if they could simply return to their dating days, all things would work themselves out. Back then, their man showed interest and talked more openly. But the authors argue that communication was probably not any more intimate in the past, but rather, the feeling of connection was so profound that the talks felt more intimate and revealing. They write:

It was not the content of your talks before marriage that was so different, it was the high level of mutual interest you had in each other. You were emotionally connected then, and you’re not now. Lack of connection is the true source of the resentment in your relationship. Your disconnection has been caused by misunderstanding fear and shame. That is so unfortunate, because nothing soothes fear and shame like connection. (63)

Their summary: “The bottom line is, think connection, not communication. Then you won’t shame him and he won’t make you afraid. Nor will he drive you away” (64).

Nurturing a sense of connectedness will take time. Since it is impossible to avoid fear and shame in a relationship, we must seek to transform them into compassion for our partner. This calls for a new sensitivity to our partner’s vulnerabilities: “The challenge of being sensitive to your partner’s fear or shame lies in the fact that these feelings most often are expressed as anger, resentment, criticism, or blame. This means that you must be the most compassionate, understanding, and loving when you least feel like it” (107).

The authors are honest about the difficulty of this undertaking: “We’re giving you a tall order: Be at your best when your partner is at his or her worst” (110). This, of course, is no guarantee that our relationship will improve, but the authors offer this hopeful thought, “Be sensitive to your partner’s fear or shame and he or she will likely respond in kind” (112, emphasis theirs).

The chief barrier to recovering this sensitivity is resentment. The authors candidly admit: “Years of reacting to each other’s hidden fear and shame have taken a toll on your ability to give each other the benefit of the doubt” (113). But the habits that hinder us can be changed. We can create new habits over time, and learn to show sensitivity rather than resentment.

At the heart of this is the virtue of compassion:

Contrary to popular belief, the most important of all attachment emotions is not love, it’s compassion. Why, you’re probably wondering, is compassion more important than love?

Compassion makes us sensitive to the individuality, depth, and vulnerability of loved ones. It makes us appreciate that they are different from us. With a separate set of experiences, a different temperament, and, of course, different vulnerabilities to fear and shame, all of which leads them to give different meanings to the same behaviors. For example, when a woman tells her partner that they “need to talk,” she means that she wants to feel closer to him. He thinks she wants to tell him yet again that he’s failing her. Without compassion, neither of you can understand your differences, even though you certainly love each other. (114)

Armed with a newfound appreciation for our partner’s vulnerabilities and strengths, we can connect with them, and learn to protect them – as much as possible – from fear and shame. “Men live on the precipice of shame; women live on the precipice of fear. In order to connect, we must honor and protect each other’s respective vulnerabilities. Being attuned to your partner’s vulnerability is the first step in seeing his or her perspective” (122). This protective stance is expressed by “helping him relieve his dread of failure as a provider, lover, protector, and father and helping her relieve her fear of isolation, deprivation, and harm” (102).

The important thing is not that we necessarily “agree on their interpretations of the facts or even understand each other” but that we “care about how the other feels” (125). This keeps us connected to our spouse. “The bottom line is: Be there with your partner’s feelings. Don’t ignore them, try to “fix it,” or try to talk about it or drag him or her out of it” (159). The authors seek to soothe our fears by reminding us that when we inhabit our partner’s feelings, we are not stepping into an ocean from which we will never emerge, but merely into a puddle.

Of course, one of the best ways to love without words is with a healthy sexual relationship. “Happy couples have figured out that sex is a great way to improve the relationship without talking” (156).

The authors summarize their book in the final paragraph:

The most profound moments between two people occur when their emotions resonate, soothing their different vulnerabilities and raising their hearts to simple enjoyment. When emotional connection goes deeper than talking, women overcome the stifling limitations of their anxieties, and men abandon destructive shame-avoiding behavior. The best protections from fear and shame are compassion, appreciation, and a sense of connection that is so deep, flexible, and resilient that it creates love beyond words. (213)

Conclusion

This is, without a doubt, one of the best books I’ve ever read on marriage. Though some may reject it for oversimplifying male and female differences (and in the foreword the authors recognize this), the fact is that, generally speaking, males and females do experience life differently. The better we learn how to love and appreciate the differences, the healthier our relationships will be.

This book is also profound because it recognizes that most marital conflicts do not arise from bad partners with big problems, but from both parties doing their best to keep the relationship afloat, but still falling short because they fail to recognize the different ways the other experiences fear and shame. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve worked with couples who are doing their best, and yet failing miserably, because they fail to recognize one another’s differences.

In short, this book finally gives some helpful advice to nurturing a healthy marriage without demanding that a man act like a woman or a woman act like a man. I wholeheartedly recommend this to all couples seeking a stronger, better marriage!

Quotes excerpted from How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It: Finding Love Beyond Words by Patricia Love and Steven Stosny
© Richard J. Vincent, 2007