Grow Old Along With Me

Grow old along with me!
The best is yet to be,
The last of life, for which the first was made:
Our times are in His hand
Who saith "A whole I planned,
Youth shows but half;
Trust God: see all, nor be afraid!" (Robert Browning)

I will be painfully honest: I am not afraid of death, but I am afraid of old age! I believe in eternal life and the resurrection of the dead. I don't believe that death is the end. The hope of resurrection gives me personal comfort in life and in death.

But I have seen firsthand the trials and tribulations of old age. The challenges that accompany the senior years overwhelm me. I can hardly picture myself weathering these challenges in a courageous way that honors God. I am, quite frankly, terrified when I think of growing older.

For this reason Joan Chittister's book, The Gift of Years: Growing Older Gracefully, is a godsend for me. It has lifted my fears and given me hope for the future. Its one dominant theme is that the later years can be a blessing and not a burden when approached with faith, hope, and love. She convincingly argues that the spiritual task of later life is to twofold: to overcome the burdens of this new stage of life by embracing its unique blessings.

Each short reflection begins with a thoughtful quote. For example, E. M. Forster writes, "To live in this stage of life we must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joan comments, "[The older years are a] time for us to let go of both our fantasies of eternal youth and our fears of getting older, and to find the beauty of what it means to age well. It is time to understand that the last phase of life is not non-life; it is a new stage of life. These older years... are meant to be good years" (xi).

We must not waste time with regrets, questioning everything we've done, so that we overwhelmed with "I should have's." Regrets can be "the sand trap of the soul" - denying "the good of what has been for the sake of what was not" (3). This is the danger - the burden - of regrets. However, there is a blessing to regrets as well. Joan notes that there are some things we should regret, and the fact that we do shows "we have grown into someone of value" (4).

One great challenge of this new stage of life is that previous roles and responsibilities take a back seat, or are completely set aside. Particularly, the challenge of retirement calls for redefining our lives. She notes, "Even to use the word 'retired' makes employment the center and fulcrum of life" (9). This opens up plenty of room for wrestling with one's identity: "What am I when I am not what I used to do? ... when I'm not the moneymaker anymore or the boss anymore, or the councilwoman anymore, or the teacher anymore, or even the parent-in-residence anymore-- what does it mean to be alive? ... What am I when I'm nothing else? When I'm no longer employed?" (9, 11)

What is waiting for us is a fresh life if we are willing to give it a chance. In other words, the burden of redefining ourselves can result in the blessing of discovering who we really are. But in order for this blessing to be realized, we must embrace the older years as a new and unique opportunity for growth. She writes, "Will we live it as a kind of dark and slowly dying time where life is one long list of perpetual endings? Or will we live it as an entirely new stage of life, meant both to challenge us and to develop a maturity, a mellowness, of personality and character that makes us not only acceptable but even necessary to those around us? Sought after, in fact!" (15)

Certainly, many things are lost in the older years. But, "[f]or all the losses, there are new things to gain" (18). She invites us to recognize that the older years are not a period that is about diminishment, "though physical diminishment is surely a natural part of it. It is, instead, about giving ourselves over to a new kind of development... The truth is that we are a great deal more than our bodies, have always been more than our bodies, but it can take us most of a lifetime to learn that" (17).

"Fear tempts us to believe that life is over - rather than simply changing" (19). But like previous life stages, our fears must be confronted and overcome: "The task of every separate stage of life is to confront its fears so that it can become more than it was. For the young, it is overcoming the fear of functioning alone. For the middle-aged, it is dealing with the fear of failure. For those of us who have moved beyond the middle years, it is learning to cope with the fear of weakness" (19).

The older years grant a new freedom: "This moment of new freedom... we can examine every possibility and decide for the first time, perhaps, what we really want to do with life, rather than what we must do, or should do, or ought to do" (30).

"Old age is not when we stop growing. It is exactly the time to grow in new ways" (49). A new start allows us to no longer be defined by old roles. "The truth is that this new stage of life liberates in a way no other stage of growth can possibly do. All the striving is over now. We don't have to prove ourselves anymore. We don't have to have the way we spend our time approved anymore. We don't have to work, produce, provide, or get ahead anymore. The only thing required of us now is the blooming of the self" (46-47).

A new kind of work awaits us - one that our previous roles and responsibilities prevented us from accomplishing. "Old age is the only age when we can possibly be so important to the world at large because it is the first time in life when we ourselves are free enough to give much thought to a world broader than our own" (200).

We must, however, embrace this new "work." "Retirement has nothing to do with whether we work or whether we don't. It has something to do only with the kind of work we do and the reason we do it" (150). And even though power and control cannot define ourselves anymore - at least the power and control that comes with youth - a new kind of authority and power can guide our lives. For older people "have the authority of experience, the authority of survival, the authority of persistence. And finally, the responsibility to give the authority of example" (36).

Like wine, we have the opportunity to age well. We also possess the potential to turn sour rather than sweet - like vinegar!

Finally, the older years allow us to really think about the legacy we will leave. "What we are inclined to forget is that each of us leaves a legacy, whether we mean to, whether we want to or not. Our legacies are the quality of the lives we leave behind. What we have been will be stamped on the hearts of those who survive us for years to come. The only question is, will we cultivate that living legacy as carefully as bankers and tax collectors and lawyers do the material wills that distribute nothing but stocks and bonds and insurance policies and savings accounts which might disappear with the legal fees they generate?" (216)

What kind of legacy will we leave behind? The good news is that all of our years can climax in a sweet gift for future generations, if we grow older gracefully!

One final note: Joan's Afterword titled The Twilight Time contains remarkable and moving words about the final and complete surrender of one's dying moments. It is a beautiful chapter that brings hope even in the midst of one's darkest hour.

This is a book I will return to again and again. It is inspiring and moving. But, most of all, it is hopeful.

Quotes excerpted from The Gift of Years: Growing Older Gracefully by Joan Chittister

© Richard J. Vincent, 2009