"Yup." "Nope." "Maybe.": A Woman's Guide to Getting More Out of the Language of Men - Stephen James and David Thomas

The mysteries of manspeak are dark and mysterious. Those few brave souls who attempt to decode this language must wrestle with questions like:

• Why won’t men stop for directions?
• Why is he always trying to fix my problems?
• Are men just emotionally constipated?
• Is he really as clueless as he acts?

In the book, “Yup.” “Nope.” “Maybe.”: A Woman’s Guide to Getting More Out of the Language of Men, authors Stephen James and David Thomas attempt to shed light on the mysteries of manspeak.

In order to begin to understand manspeak one must recognize that innate differences exist between the sexes. For the authors, “Gender is not only about genitalia. Our sexuality runs deeper than that—it permeates our souls. As God’s image bearers, we are relational beings engendered as men or women. This means that our gender is always a factor in our relationships” (143). Because of our innate differences, every relationship experiences “the interplay and tension between men and women.” (143)

Put simply: Men and women are alike in many ways. They are also very different. Though men and women often desire the same things, they go about achieving them in very different ways. Unless couples are intentional in understanding and appreciating their differences, they will often fail to connect with one another. As Christians who embrace the goodness of creation (including sexuality) and the reality of sin, we recognize that the “tension between the sexes is full of both dignity and depravity” (24).

Having established that differences exist between the sexes, the authors touch on a number of common areas of tension. For example, in regard to communication: “Women use conversation to maintain intimacy, increase connection, and develop rapport. Men, on the other hand, talk to establish independence, build status, and deliver data” (7). For this reason, men often offer solutions when all women really desire is compassionate consideration. Another example: Men fear being exposed as incompetent. For this reason, their insecurities tempt them to hide out (in the bathroom and other places).

Most of these tensions are commonly recognized. The authors use the first four chapters of the Bible (the creation of Adam and Eve, the fall into sin, the curse, and Cain and Abel) as the basis for their teaching on how to understand, appreciate, and overcome the differences. They also incorporate a good selection of personal stories to support their teaching. (One of the most memorable is David’s tragicomic story about his family’s vacation to Disney World. Every parent can relate to this one.)

The authors rely a little too heavily on John Eldredge’s thesis that all men are “wild at heart” and need danger, exploration, and adventure in order to feel fulfilled. Though this may be true for some men, I know at least one who’s quite satisfied with a quiet room, a cheap cigar, and a good book. Their over-reliance is evident in their emphatic conclusion that a man’s reluctance to ask for directions is due to his “craving for discovery.” This could also be explained by something much less virtuous, namely, pride.

The small size of this book makes it a helpful place to start a discussion about learning to recognize and appreciate the differences between men and women in order to pursue the common goal of healthy, loving, and lasting relationships. The new book by Patricia Love & Steven Stosny, How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It: Finding Love Beyond Words, is a much fuller and more helpful discussion of this same topic. (For my summary of the book, click on its title above.) However, “Yup.” “Nope.” “Maybe.” possesses one quality not found in the Love / Stosny book: it attempts to root its teaching in sacred scripture.

In my opinion, the most powerful insight James and Thomas offer is in regard to how the consequences of sin have brought great tension into how men and women relate to one another. They write, “For women, the curse strikes at the center of their relationships, through loneliness. For men, it strikes at their sense of competency, through failure. Does that mean a woman can’t feel like a failure or that a man can’t be lonely? Of course not. But for women, the primary experience of the curse will be relational (creation, fertility, and loneliness), whereas for men, it will be vocational (exertion, futility, and decay). For women, no relationship will be enough. For men, everything they do will be hard and will fall apart” (93-94). This harmonizes with Love and Stosny’s thesis that, in relationships, a woman’s greatest fear is isolation (abandonment, loneliness) while a man’s greatest fear is failure – revealed by the shame he feels from his sense of inadequacy in relationships.

James and Thomas provide a popular introduction to learning how to love our spouse without falling prey to the demand that men relate like women or women relate like men. They don’t pretend to offer the final word. (See Chapter 9 for proof of this!) They also aren’t afraid to maintain a sense of humor along the way. Hence, their response to the question: “Are men just stupid?” – yeah, sometimes we just are. (25)

Note: There is a companion volume for men titled "Does This Dress Make Me Look Fat?": A Man's Guide to the Loaded Questions Women Ask. Click on the link for my review.