"Does This Dress Make Me Look Fat?": A Man's Guide to the Loaded Questions Women Ask - Stephen James and David Thomas
In “Does This Dress Make Me Look Fat?”: A Man’s Guide to the Loaded Questions Women Ask, authors Stephen James and David Thomas attempt to help men walk through the minefield of women’s questions. These questions include:

• “Does this dress make me look fat?”
• “Do you notice anything different about the house?”
• “Do you think that woman is pretty?”
• “What are you thinking about?”
• “Am I like my mother?”

Few men ever stop to think about what lies beneath the surface of women’s questions in order to engage with “the authentic female heart.” James and Thomas argue that a woman’s loaded questions “always lead back to some of her deepest desires and make known some of what she wants most from a man” (131). For example:

• Beneath the question, “Does this dress make me look fat?” a woman is really asking, “Am I lovely to you?” From childhood, females long to hear the males in their lives – especially their father – acknowledge and affirm their beauty.
• “Do you notice anything different about the house?” could be heard as “Do you see my creativity and does it move you?” The reason: For many women “the home becomes a canvas of their expression. It is a way for them to simultaneously care for those they love and express their hearts” (29).
• The real question behind “Do you think that woman is pretty” is “Do you see beauty in me? Am I worth another glance?” (50)
• “Lurking behind the question, What are you thinking about? is a deeper, richer question, a much more honest and vulnerable question, something closer to, Are you thinking about us? For the woman, this question exposes her core insecurity—loneliness” (70).
• The question, “Am I like my mother?” is really asking “Will you love me in spite of my baggage?”
• “Are you as happy as I am?” expresses a woman’s desire to be chosen and chased. Beneath the surface are the questions, “Do you still choose me over every other person? Am I that kind of priority in your life?” (101)

James and Thomas use the Bible to affirm and support their conclusions. As in the companion volume, “Yup.” “Nope.” “Maybe.”: A Woman’s Guide to Getting More Out of the Language of Men, I found their most powerful insights were in regard to how the consequences of sin have brought great tension into how men and women relate to one another. Because of humanity’s sinfulness, God’s original design for the sexes is distorted: “Collaboration and dependency are traded in for power and insecurity” (72). The result:

Adam is representative of every male. Everything he endeavors to do will be hard work and will ultimately fall apart. He will have his heart bent toward accomplishment, but he will always fail in the end. Success is always fleeting. In short, the Curse does this: A woman will want to be in charge, but she can’t be. The man will have more power, but everything he is responsible for will fall apart.

The consequence for women: loneliness. The consequence for men: futility…

There is beauty in all of this tension. What God does in the Fall is create a way that we will never ever be happy again apart from him. He creates a dynamic that says, “Though you were made for each other, you can never fulfill each other.” (72-73)

Because of the differences between the sexes, and sin which intensifies the tension, it will take great work to learn how to listen to and love our spouse. In this regard, the author’s have provided a helpful start to begin the process while remaining aware that a faithful, committed relationship will have its fair share of failures as well as successes. They write, “No matter how many books you read, counselors you see, prayers you pray, or marriage conferences you attend, you cannot escape the reality that you will hurt and harm the one you love at one time or another. Life is full of pain, and the majority of our pain in life comes from those we love the most” (132).