When Jesus then saw His mother, and the disciple whom He loved standing nearby, He said to His mother, “Woman, behold, your son!” Then He said to the disciple, “Behold, your mother!” From that hour the disciple took her into his own household. (John 19:26-27)

Like the first two sayings from the cross, this “third word” is not about Jesus, but about others. In the first word, Jesus responded to the hostile crowd with a word of forgiveness (“Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing”). With his second word, Jesus graced a fellow-sufferer, the repentant thief, with a word of salvation (“Truly, I say to you, this day you will be with me in Paradise”). Now, in the third word from the cross, Jesus’ focus remains outward, as he speaks to his mother. In the midst of intense suffering and excruciating pain, Jesus remains the man for others. Peter Storey puts it well: “the needs of others still touch Jesus more intensely than his own.”[1]

On the surface, it appears that Jesus is simply looking out for his mother’s welfare. Mary, an elderly widow about to experience the premature loss of her first-born son, faced a fearful and daunting future.

Certainly, Jesus cares for his vulnerable mother – but something more is going on here than simple provision for her needs. We must not forget that two people are being addressed by Jesus, that is, his mother and the disciple whom Jesus loved. However we understand this “third word,” we must not fail to recognize that it is just as much about Jesus’ disciple as it is about Jesus’ mother.

The Mother and the Disciple

Although two individuals are addressed in Jesus’ third word from the cross, we understandably focus on Jesus’ mother. Other than Jesus, Mary must have suffered more intensely than anyone at Golgotha. She experienced the terrible agony of watching her beloved child suffer immeasurable pain with absolutely no means to help him.

Our pictures of the cross are sometimes misleading. We often picture the cross high above the ground. However, Roman crosses were often short. It is likely that Jesus and Mary “were face to face” so that Mary could clearly see “[t]he sweat, the blood, the tearing tendons, the twitching. The wrenching, the bulging eyes—she would have seen it all quite clearly, as clearly as she saw him so long ago when she held him safely to her breast.”[2]

As Mary looked into the eyes of her beloved child, she must have experienced pain beyond belief. No doubt she remembered their entire history together. “She pottytrained him, taught him his first words, encouraged his first steps, kissed his scuffed knee and made it all better, picked him up in the dark of nightmare nights and told him everything will be all right.”[3] She watched him grow into a young man whose knowledge of God was deep and profound. Awed by his understanding and integrity, she looked forward to the future with joy and confidence. She was present at his first miracle, at the wedding of Cana where he turned water into wine. Sure, they had had their periods of falling-out. Like all mothers, she didn’t quite fully understand her son; and though she couldn’t always understand him, she did always love him.

And like all good mothers, she knew that “[m]aternal love is that love that loves in order to give away”[4] – but not like this!

Broken-hearted, tearful, hopeless, and helpless, Mary is powerless to do anything to relieve her son’s suffering. “Mary suffers in unbroken silence. She sees the crown of thorns but cannot remove it; she sees the nails but is not allowed to pull them out; she sees the lacerations but is not able to soothe her Son’s pain with salve; she hears the mockery but is not able to quiet the crowd.”[5] Although it was over thirty years ago, she remembers the words of the aged Simeon as their force – as predicted – is deeply felt in her heart: “Behold, this child is appointed for the fall and rise of many in Israel, and for a sign to be opposed—and a sword will pierce even your own soul” (Luke 2:34-35).

It took great courage to stand beside her son throughout his ordeal. However, as a women, Mary would have been completely ignored by the ruling powers. In her culture, women were not allowed to be disciples, and thus disregarded as a threat.

But Mary does not stand alone. She stands with relatives and other faithful female followers of Christ. She also stands with Jesus’ youngest disciple, John. Apparently, because of his youthful appearance, he, like the women, was not perceived to be a threat.

The Third Word

With this background, we are now ready to explore the possible meaning of Jesus’ third word from the cross, “Woman, behold your son. … Behold, your mother.”

Jesus is not simply exhibiting faithfulness to family obligations. On the surface it appears that Jesus is looking out for his mother’s well-being. But something more is going on here. “Jesus is surely saying more here than, ‘John, do me a favor and look after Mom when I’m gone.’”[6] The theological significance of the third word should not be reduced to “be nice to your mother.”

The significance of this saying is discovered by paying attention to the details. Mary is only mentioned twice in the Gospel According to John and never by name. She is only called “woman” and “mother”. In the same way, John is never explicitly mentioned by name. Instead, he is addressed as “the disciple whom Jesus loved.” [7]

It is not by accident that the two individuals addressed in the third word are never explicitly named! Although both Mary and John are historical figures, they play a symbolic role here. Mary represents the vulnerable – the widowed, the suffering, the lonely and the needy. John represents the ideal believer – a disciple loved by Jesus. The great Catholic commentator, Raymond Brown writes, “While a real person, the Beloved Disciple functions in the gospel as the embodiment of Johannine idealism: All Christians are disciples and among them greatness is determined by a loving relationship to Jesus, not by function or office.”[8]

Both Mary and John are called by Jesus into a new family formed at the cross. William Willimon writes,

Having addressed his mother, Jesus, looking at one of his disciples, John, also says, “Son, behold your mother.” Jesus is saying, “Mother, I’m giving you a new son. Son, behold your new mother.” Jesus, the one who so disrupted conventional families, is, on the cross, forming a new family.[9]

This new family is related, not by blood, but by faith. In John’s prologue, the possibility of such a family was foreshadowed: “He came to what was his own, and his own people did not accept him. But to all who received him, who believed in his name, he gave power to become children of God, who were born, not of blood or of the will of the flesh or of the will of man, but of God” (John 1:11-13). The rejection of Jesus’ own leads to the creation of a new family, born of God’s Spirit, as the NIV translates verse 13: “children born not of natural descent, of human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God.” The creation of this new family is at the heart of Jesus’ third word from the cross.

This is not the first time Jesus spoke of a new family of disciples. In a story recorded in the Synoptic Gospels (Matthew 12:46-50; Mark 3:31-35; Luke 8:19-21), Jesus is teaching in a crowded house overflowing with listeners. His mother and brothers arrives and desire to speak to Jesus. Instead of immediately responding to his mother’s request, he takes advantage of this teaching opportunity and addresses his audience: “Who is my mother and who are my brothers and sisters?” On one level, the answer is obvious: the people right outside the door. But Jesus surprises everyone by pointing to his disciples and not his family, and saying, “Behold, my mother and my brothers! For whoever does the will of my Father who is in heaven, this one is my brother and sister and mother.”

Jesus’ desire was that our first response to the word “family” would not simply remind us of blood relatives, but that it would include fellow believers as well. In other words, Jesus’ first family was not his nuclear family, but the family of faith. Now, at the cross, upon hearing the third word, Mary and John were beginning to understand, perhaps for the very first time, the deep significance of Jesus’ teachings about the creation of a new community, bound together by a common faith and practice.

As a new family, Mary and John possessed a shared commitment to and responsibility for one another. The ones whom Jesus loved were now called to love one another as he had loved them. This love was to form the basis for the new family. It was at the heart of the new relationship.

In other words, by bringing Mary and John together as a new family, Jesus is, according to William Willimon, “forming the first church…

Church is where we are thrown together with a bunch of strangers and are forced to call these people with whom we have no natural affinity, nothing in common, “brother,” “sister.”

So after this moment, never again could the world say family without Jesus’ people thinking church.[10]

This language of family pervades the New Testament. Paul, Peter, John, and James repeatedly speak of others in the church as “brother,” “sister,” “father,” or “mother.” The metaphor of family is applied to the entire life and mission of the community. It speaks of a shared commitment, mutual responsibility, and common identity. Without these qualities, church life is rapidly reduced to a bunch of religious consumers, or a social club, or an audience seeking entertainment, or a group of self-absorbed individuals looking for the latest fad to while away the hours.

We need to maintain the metaphor of family for the sake of community life and witness. We are family. We are not just families – we are one family under God. In our self-absorbed, fragmented culture, we need this metaphor to expand the horizon of our care and compassion. “Most of us would do anything for our families. In fact, when it comes down to it, most of us don’t do anything hard or heroic for anyone except our families.”[11] When we consider the church as family, our perspective changes: “We, who once cared only for those folk who have the same genetic endowment as us, now are made to care for those with whom we have nothing in common except Jesus.”[12]

To embrace the truth of “church as family” is not necessarily the same as promoting “family churches.” Failing to recognize this subtle distinction may actually exclude many whom should be welcomed:

When we take too much pride in “family churches,” where neat, nuclear families dominate, we risk forgetting what Jesus did on Good Friday. “Family churches,” for all their honoring of family life, may limit the much wider embrace of God’s grace. Some priorities valued in family churches can be hostile to individuals who do not fit middle-class paradigms. They can exclude people Jesus would want to welcome. The world consists of many persons who have had to take different and often painful roads. The true community Jesus seeks makes space for them all. … It is not “family churches” but “church families” that the world needs.[13]

Oftentimes, young singles, widows, or single parents may feel excluded when the concerted effort of a church is to appeal primarily to middle-class nuclear families that consist of a mother, father and 2.3 children. We must work hard to make sure the metaphor of family does not become exclusive, but remains inclusive to all.

The importance of “church as family” can also be lost when churches intentionally seek homogeneity in ministries, that is, when leadership intentionally separates every demographic from dissimilar groups in order to create a sense of unity that is based on age, life stage, or gender, without a concerted effort to also maintain intergenerational activities and relationships. The entire church suffers when it loses the contribution of its full expression of members.

To possess a loving grandfather, grandmother, father, mother, brother, or sister is a great gift – and not to be taken for granted. But to experience the love, guidance, wisdom – along with all the challenges – of our spiritual family is a unique and wondrous delight.

After eighty years of life and a long career as a church theologian and member, Douglas John Hall writes in his memoir, “I owe such happiness as I have had to one Source—namely, the sheer grace of God as it is mediated through the lives of other people.”[14]

How true it is that God’s greatest gifts to us are the people God puts in our lives – not just by blood relation but through faith. The family of God formed and shaped by the sacrifice of Jesus’ cross is a beautiful gift of grace! May we never forget that Jesus stated mission was not to “have a personal relationship with us” (as important as this is) or treat us as isolated individuals (even though we are treated uniquely). No, Jesus’ mission statement is clear: “I will build my church.” And the church is nothing less than the new family of God – God’s sons and daughters in Christ. Together we stand, for we are family!

© Richard J. Vincent, 2008