We live in a narcissistic culture - a society with an inflated view of self-importance. Narcissism is not simply a confident attitude or healthy feeling of self-worth. Narcissists are arrogant and overconfident. For example, "Sports stars regularly credit 'believing in yourself' for their success rather than the more likely reasons such as God-given talent and years of hard work" (15).

In this outstanding book, Jean M. Twenge and W. Keith Campbell diagnose our current cultural situation and offer practical solutions. They cannot be accused of political bias, for one is a liberal democrat, the other, a conservative republican. The authors are convinced that if the general trajectory of our country and its elevated view of the self does not reverse, then we will suffer.

Understanding the narcissism epidemic is important because its long-term consequences are destructive to society. American culture's focus on self-admiration has caused a flight from reality to the land of grandiose fantasy. We have phony rich people (with interest-only mortgages and piles of debt), phony beauty (with plastic surgery and cosmetic procedures), phony athletes (with performance-enhancing drugs). Phony celebrities (via reality TV and YouTube), phony genius students (with grade inflation), a phony national economy (with $11 trillion of government debt), phony feelings of being special among children (with parenting and education focused on self-esteem), and phony friends (with the social networking explosion). All this fantasy might feel good, but, unfortunately, reality always wins. The mortgage meltdown and the resulting financial crisis are just one demonstration of how inflated desires eventually crash to earth. (4)

Narcissism 101

What is narcissism?

Narcissism is a psychological term, but even people who have never taken a psychology class know it when they see it. Other common names for narcissism include arrogance, conceit, vanity, grandiosity, and self-centeredness. A narcissist is full of herself, has a big head, is a blowhard, loves the sound of his own voice, or is a legend in her own mind. A lot of self-absorbed jerks are narcissists, but so are a lot of smooth, superficially charming, and charismatic people (who, unfortunately, are later revealed to be self-centered and dishonest). A narcissist has an overinflated view of his own abilities, similar to the kitten that sees himself as a lion on the popular poster. Narcissists are not just confident, they're overconfident. In short, narcissists admire themselves too much.

The word narcissism comes from the Greek myth of Narcissus, an attractive young man who set out looking for someone to love. The beautiful nymph Echo falls in love with him and repeats everything Narcissus says, but he rejects her and she fades away. Narcissus keeps looking for the perfect mate until one day he sees his own reflection in the water. Narcissus falls in love with his own image and gazes at it until he dies. At that spot on the riverbank grew the flower now known as the narcissus (a subspecies of daffodil). The myth of Narcissus captures the tragedy of self-admiration, because Narcissus becomes frozen by his self-admiration and unable to connect with anyone outside himself--and his narcissism harms other people (in this case, Echo). The legend reflects real life, with the most serious consequences of narcissism falling upon others and society. (18-19)

Though psychologists often focus on extreme cases of narcissism, the truth is that we all wrestle with it:

The central feature of narcissism is a very positive and inflated view of the self. People with high levels of narcissism--whom we refer to as "narcissists"--think they are better than others in social status, good looks, intelligence, and creativity. However, they are not. Measured objectively, narcissists are just like everyone else. Nevertheless, narcissists see themselves as fundamentally superior--they are special, entitled, and unique. Narcissists also lack emotionally warm, caring, and loving relationships with other people. This is a main difference between a narcissist and someone merely high in self-esteem: the high self-esteem person who's not narcissistic values relationships, but the narcissist does not. The result is a fundamentally imbalanced self--a grandiose, inflated self-image and a lack of deep connections to others. (19)

Put simply: The narcissism equates thinking he is great to actually being great.

The problem of narcissism leads to a breakdown in relationships. "The narcissist spends his or her life regulating his or her social relationships in order to maximize self-admiration. When it works, the narcissist feels a rush of esteem and pride; when it fails, the narcissist reacts with anger, blame, and sometimes rage" (19-20). The authors concludes that "one reason narcissists lack perspective" is that "close relationships keep the ego in check" (24).

Many people assume that without some semblance of narcissism, people will suffer. The authors counter with this:

A small number of people do hate themselves and could use some self-admiration. But you can like yourself just fine without loving yourself to excess. We believe that it would be better for everyone not to concentrate on self-feelings--positive or negative--quite so much. Instead, focus on life: your relationships with others, your work, or the beauty of the natural world. Think about the deepest joy you experience in life--it doesn't typically come from thinking about how great you are. Instead it comes from connecting with the world and getting away from yourself. As when you enjoy time with friends, family, and children, are engaged at work, or do all-absorbing tasks such as art, writing, crafts, athletics, or helping others. (29)

Because of our narcissistic culture, we have assumed that those who achieve greatness must be overly self-confident. However, this is not the case. In contrast to Donald Trump who placards his name whenever possible, many CEO's live a relatively low-key life. Through interviews the authors discover many CEO's that "are not the charismatic, ultraconfident figures you would expect. Instead, they are humble, avoid the limelight, never rest on their laurels, and continuously try to prove themselves" (44). "In other words, Collins found that the best corporate leaders were not narcissistic or even particularly self-confident" (44). They conclude: "There is a small correlation between self-esteem and better achievement, but it is almost entirely explained by better performance causing higher self-esteem" (46).

Self-worth is Not the Key to Success

Self-admiration is not the cause of success. If that were the case, North America would produce the most successful people on the planet.

Think about it this way: if self-admiration caused success, American children, who have the highest self-esteem of children anywhere in the world, would also be the most successful. This simple prediction, however, doesn't match the data. In a recent study, 39% of American eighth-graders were confident of their math skills, compared to only 6% of Korean eighth-graders. The Koreans, however, far exceeded the U.S. students' actual performance on math tests. We're not number one, but we're number one in thinking we are number one.

Within the United States, the ethnic group with the lowest self-esteem, Asian-Americans, achieves the highest academic performance. So the group with "alarmingly low self-esteem" is actually doing the best in school and, in the words of the editorial, doing plenty "to achieve their potential."

U.S. high school kids have not improved in academic performance over the last 30 years, a time when self-esteem has been actively encouraged and boosted among American children. (47)

This has great significance for our educational system and for parenting.

When parents and teachers protect children from failure to cushion their self-esteem, kids may end up doing worse because they aren't learning from their mistakes. It is just fine to feel a little bad about yourself as you learn something. If you think about the experiences that have taught you the most, they probably involve times you failed or faced huge challenges. Having confidence in your true abilities includes knowing your weaknesses and learning from your failures, and that has nothing to do with hating yourself. (49)

Children in a Narcissistic Culture

The culture of narcissism has impacted parenting styles: "Parents want their kids' approval, a reversal of the past ideal of children striving for their parents' approval" (73). This is evidenced by the way parents pander to their children: "More than at any time in history, the child's needs come first. Parents routinely ask their children--even those too young to answer--what they want ('What do you want for dinner?' 'Do you want to talk to your grandma?' 'Do you want to go to the park?')" (74).

Ironically, the attitudes displayed by the wayward children in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory are now perceived as normal:

The 1971 film Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory featured four children whose excesses, then ridiculous, now seem commonplace: Mike Teevee, who is obsessed with appearing on television; Violet Beauregarde, who wants to win at all costs; Augustus Gloop, who presages the child obesity epidemic; and Veruca Salt, who demands every material thing she sees ... now. Back in the early '70s, everyone knew that the fifth child, Charlie Bucket, was the good kid because he was poor and refused to cheat. Now that just means he's not cool. (82)

Whether we are willing to admit it or not, our children have been bitten by the narcissism bug: "In 2006, 51% of 18- to 25-year-olds said that 'becoming famous' was an important goal of their generation--nearly five times as many as named 'becoming more spiritual' as an important goal" (93). "A 2006 poll asked children in Britain to name 'the very best thing in the world.' The most popular answer was 'being a celebrity.' 'Good looks' and 'being rich' rounded out the top three, making for a perfectly narcissistic triumvirate. 'God' came in last" (93).

The authors argue that instead of telling our children that they are unique and special, we should focus on what makes them similar to others: "American culture is obsessed with getting across the message that we are all different and all unique. Why not emphasize instead what makes us all similar as human beings? That message promotes the good side of individualism: tolerance of all people, regardless of race, sex, sexual orientation, or background" (105).

Popularity is not indicative of one's worth. Too many of our children believe that having 100's of friends on Facebook is a status symbol.

Friending (ah, the verbs of the modern age) someone on Facebook should really be called "acquaintancing" (or perhaps "networking"). Being someone's friend on Facebook does not necessarily mean that you have a deep, emotionally close relationship with him or her. It's more a sign of how many people you "know," or how many people want to say they "know" you. Having more friends is a status symbol, and it's embarrassing to only have five friends on MySpace or Facebook. In real life, of course, you are a truly lucky person if you have five true close friends. On MySpace, that's pathetic--because it's about quantity, not quality. (110)

Our children also believe that being beautiful and attractive will make them feel better about themselves. The authors suggest that parents should "[t]alk frankly, too, about the reason often given for plastic surgery: 'I wanted to feel better about myself.' Isn't that better accomplished by achieving something, having a close friend, or helping others?" (158).

The authors believe that our fascination with narcissism has led to the demise of family-friendly television shows:

The family sitcoms of the 1980s and 90s, like Family Ties, The Cosby Show, and Home Improvement, have given way to shows about single people in New York; rich, bed-hopping teens; narcissistic doctors; and reality TV with celebrities trying to find love with other TV celebrities. The closest TV has gotten to a top-ten-rated family show in the last few years is Desperate Housewives--not exactly a showcase of caring. (229)

In a world where students expect to get good grades with minimal effort, to be adored and admired simply because they think they are great without striving to actually be great, to have a fulfilling, flexible job that pays six figures, we need a healthy dose of humility and self-giving. Put simply: "We need a new cultural belief: if you love yourself too much, you won't have enough love left for anyone else" (223).

Quotes excerpted from The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement by Jean M. Twenge and W. Keith Campbell